Mom guilt is a phrase that resonates with many parents. It’s that nagging feeling that you’re somehow falling short, that you’re not doing enough, or that your kids deserve a better parent.
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In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr Michelle Shah, paediatric lifestyle medicine specialist and public health professional, talked about this phenomenon, how it plagues mothers, and shared tips on how one can prioritise oneself without feeling guilty.
The Myth of Having It All
Dr Michelle explained, “We’ve built a system that tells women they can have it all but gives them none of the scaffolding to support it. Mothers are expected to show up at work with single-minded focus as though they don’t have children waiting at home, and simultaneously parent with wholehearted devotion as though they aren’t carrying deadlines, meetings or performance reviews in the back of their minds.”
However, in reality, “having it all” has become a euphemism for “doing it all” with no room for rest, error, or simply being human. “Even the smallest compromises, such as ordering takeout instead of cooking, skipping a school event to meet a deadline, or zoning out during bedtime stories, can trigger waves of guilt. Not because they’re wrong, but because they clash with an impossible ideal,” she added.
Per the expert, guilt, when momentary, can serve as a moral compass. But when it lingers, it morphs into shame. “It tells women that they’re failing not just as mothers, but as professionals, partners, daughters and friends. It infiltrates sleep, affects mood, drains confidence and distances women from the very moments they’re working so hard to protect,” Dr Michelle explained.
Replacing guilt with grounding
However, women can replace this guilt. Dr Michelle suggested 4 mindset shifts that working mothers can adopt to step out of guilt:
1. Reframe the narrative
She suggested, instead of saying “I feel guilty for missing bedtime,” try “I made a choice to meet an important deadline that supports our family.”
“This isn’t about excusing yourself, but rather, it’s about seeing the purpose behind your actions. When you understand the intention, the shame begins to lose its grip,” she explained.
2. Ask for support and receive it freely
Dr Michelle stressed that working women don’t have to prove their strength by doing everything alone. She suggested, “Lean on your partner. Let grandparents be involved. Say yes to the friend who offers to help. We romanticise self-sufficiency, but it’s interdependence that sustains us. Community is not a crutch. It’s the foundation.”
3. Clean up your digital space
The expert pointed out that your phone should not be a daily exercise in self-judgment. “If your social media feed leaves you feeling behind, unaccomplished or inadequate, it’s time to mute, unfollow or pause. Choose digital spaces that uplift you, not ones that erode your self-worth with filtered perfection,” she advised.
4. Lead with compassion, especially toward yourself
Lastly, Dr Michelle advised working mothers to offer themselves the same kindness they often extend to everyone around them. She explained, “Guilt is often misplaced empathy. You care deeply about your children, your career, and your relationships, and that is your strength. But you don’t need to carry everything alone to prove your worth.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.
